confused

I feel hurt and confused.feelings tangled in a web. what is it that i want? do i still love him or not. am i ready to put my feet back in the water on just sit on the sand. what do i want? how do i know its what i want when i find it. looking for someone or something. why is it that i feel such pain but hide it from the world. my emotions i write on paper and hide from the world. afraid to show my feelings of love and pain. afraid of unwanted sympathies. life goes on as the world spins still I'm stuck in time afraid of moving. there was a point in time that i would throw myself off the bridge for love,fun or just for the hell of it. but now i wont even walk across the bridge so afraid to fall off.where am i going and how do i get there. I'm looking for a sign I'm doing this right. did i make the biggest mistake of my life or did i save myself the pain?